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Well what do we have here? Just one week into the season and Kevin Shanley's got his team in first place? Do I smell a Mo Vaughn jersey in Kevin Kelly's future? To bring everyone up-to-date, the "all-pitching, no-power" draft strategy of Kevin Shanley, our hat wearing junior owner, has come under much post-draft fire. So much so, that a little side wager has been made about which position Matt & The Hat will finish in come season's end. I'm a little light on the details but I know it involves both owners named Kevin, Shanley's infamous hat, Kevin Kelly and a Mo jersey! Please guys, fill us in… Who's this new guy who's replacing Derek Jeter now? Erick Almonte? Are you sure? Isn't he that 12-year old kid whom miraculously aged two years during the Little League World Series? Oh, that's Danny Almonte, not Erick! OK, hey now there's at least two Almontes in the Bronx. Who's got the line on the over/under for their combined ages?… Actually, instead of questioning who's replacing Jeter, perhaps I should be questioning who will be replacing Charlie as Joe Mastrangelo's co-owner? It's just the first week of the season but already these two partners have started their annual feud! Cries of "You're Killing Me Chuck!" were heard all the way from Jacksonville as 2nd round pick Jeter went down in the first game of the season… The Royals are off to their best start since Charles and Diana got married. Of course, then Fergie came in and ruined everything, and I don't mean Fergie Jenkins… "Will Ken Griffey please pick up a white courtesy phone. No, use your other arm to pick up the phone, Ken. Wouldn't want to re-injure that shoulder again would we?"… And what's with all the dislocated shoulders in the first week of the season? It's become so common, I'm just waiting for Kevin to ask me to rename our team to "Torn Labrum" or something… How come I keep watching CNN, waiting for them to tear away from war coverage to follow Kirby Puckett trying to leave the state of Minnesota in a white van? "This is A.C.! Yeah, you know A.C.! It's me, Al Cowens! And I've got Kirby in the back seat"… Is it just me or does new Texas Ranger lead-off hitter Doug Glanville look just a little too much like Chris Rock?… "Corey Patterson, I'd like you to meet Tuffy Rhodes. Tuffy, this is Corey Patterson"… OK, enough of my seaon opening monologue/stream of consciousness. How's about we get right into the swing of things with a Top 10 dedicated to the funniest man on television today, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, the Iraqi information minister. Here goes…
… and of course, "Rey Ordonez has 8 RBI's". That one's got to be a lie churned out by the Lou Piniella Propaganda Machine! And here's something else I've been working on for awhile, a list of some Academy Award nominated movies and their baseball related themes… Hey why not? It's the first week of the season! Let's throw out all kinds of humorous devices and see what sticks… Hey wait, I think I might have just dislocated my shoulder with the last joke… Say, I'm still trying to confirm with the Weather Channel whether that really was a "snow delay" they experienced in Baltimore on Opening Day? Well, it was either snow or Steve Bechler dropping ephedra from the heavens… A few unanswered question still lingering from Draft Day; Have Walt and Jim come out of the back bedroom yet? Not that there's anything wrong with that… How well did Brian Boghosian bowl on Draft Day? We hope he made some money because The Commish forgot to draft him any speed… Did Jim Flinn really drive all the way up from Virginia on Saturday morning just for the pleasure of drafting Chris Stynes and Todd Pratt? By the way, welcome Sean (Jim's son, and maitre d' of the Flinn War Room), hope you had your fill of cupcakes!… Did The Commish really scream at everyone for going too slow in Round 9?… And of course, the question we're all wondering, especially the rookie owners, "Why is there an exclamation point on the end of The Quat Thrusts!"? Well that's about all the news that's fit to print for the first week of the season. As I neglected to say at the top of this column, "Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends!" I'm looking forward to yet another excellent season (my 13th running this league) and especially the biggest rookie owner field we've seen in quite awhile. Vying for the rookie crown we've got "They Call Me" Bruce Lerman, Fred "Sox" Laberge, Mark D'Allesandro "stenedione" and Tom "Selleck" McCarrick. We also welcome back Tim "Calvin" Kline to the league after a year's absence. Good luck to everyone and let the games begin! By the way, did anyone ever go outside and get that screen that fell out of the draft room window? Oops! Oh well, guess we'll see that on the hotel bill when it arrives… 'til next week…
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