You know I wasn't feeling up to writing the column this week but then I popped a few "greenies" and now I'm feeling fine! Hell, I could write all night! Wouldn't want to "write naked" after all, would I? For those of you who missed those last few references (don't worry I'm sitting in front of my computer fully clothed! Yeah I know, thanks for the visual, Commish!), you obviously haven't read this past week's Sports Illustrated story in which 1996 Most Valuable Player Ken Caminiti admits that he was on steroids the year he won the MVP award. Ken also goes on to say that almost everybody in the league is taking some sort of drug enhancement but later reduced that claim to state that only half the players in baseball are on steroids. Which of course explains all the recent home run records being shattered! Gee, and I thought it was because the sacrifice bunt and hit and run play were supposed to be for "sissies"? After all, no one who plays this game wants to admit they're gay, do they? Oops, that was last week's column.

The article also quotes everyone's favorite teammate Chad Curtis, who besides taking his usual holier than thou attitude about baseball's supposedly rampant drug use, also claims that everybody plays their music too loud in the clubhouse, no one wants to fight Alex Rodriguez or Derek Jeter and that he's ready to take on Jim Gray in the next episode of Fox's Celebrity Boxing! Oh and one more thing I learned from the Sports Illustrated article. If you take steroids the wrong way (I actually didn't know there was a right one!), your testicles shrink up and it takes a long time to get them back to normal! Man, I sure hope that whoever this gay player turns out to be that he's taking his steroids in the proper doses or else his partner's going to be in for a real surprise…

As if it wasn't obvious enough with the all the recent power numbers in the game, how's about a vote for Phillies pitcher Robert Person pumping up on the pills? Person inflicted a little 'roid rage on the Expos in his first game back from the DL this past week. Yeah sure he pitched 5 scoreless innings, but how about his 2-HR, 7-RBI performance which featured a grand salami? Move over Shawn Green! Which reminds me. Hey Doug, you don't think a nice Jewish boy like Shawn Green would be in the performance enhancement game, do you? His mother would be so embarrassed. "Oy! My son! If he wanted to take steroids, he should've been a doctor!"…

Since we're busy discussing steroids here, how about Detroit Tiger closer Matt Anderson who is obviously not on steroids after losing a pre-game promotional "octopus throwing" contest and putting himself on the DL for the second time this season! I can see the disabled listing already, Matt Anderson (DET), 15-Day (mis-hurled octopi). Did someone say hockey? Well there's going to be plenty of flying octopi in the Motor City as the Detroit Red Wings are The Commish's pick to sweep the Carolina Hurricanes in the Stanley Cup Finals. Then again, the Hurricanes were once the Hartford Whalers and most of you know I've got a soft spot for my old green team. Did someone say "greenies"? Oh never mind…

Switching sports once again how about we move over to the NBA, where the New Jersey Nets are going to take on the Los Angeles Lakers for the NBA title after they finally got the monkey off their back and finished off the Boston Celtics in six games. Now I don't want to get off on a rant here but what's up with the Nets Jason Kidd complaining about how all the Boston fans were chanting "wife beater" while his spouse and young son were in attendance? He did hit her, didn't he? Now I'm all for rooting for the home team but Jason, man, get off the high horse! I've got two words for you. "Denis" and "Potvin"! And if you don't get what I'm trying to say here just ask the nearest New York Rangers fan for an explanation…

Sorry, I just can't seem to find my way back to baseball news. Hey, wake up everybody, The World Cup has begun play in Japan and South Korea and you know what that means, don't you? Soccer on TV at 4AM! Do you remember that Mets opener in Japan a few season back? I tell you, given the choice between pre-breakfast soccer and improper use of steroids I've got to go with the torn rotator cuff from throwing the octopus from the wrong release point! Anyway, the first goal of the tournament was scored by Senegal's Papa Bouba Diop, and I believe that Bouba Diop is in fact Senegalese for "Smurf". You take it from there…

I regret to inform all of you that War Emblem is not eligible at 3rd base. Geez, we're covering all the bases here tonight aren't we? We've got baseball, hockey, the other football (also known as soccer), and now horse racing! Did I miss anything else? Hey Brian Boghosian, how's the world of professional bowling? Any rampant steroid use there? I've always been suspicious of that Parker Bohn fellow you know. He was real skinny in juniors and now he's up to like a buck fifty five and he's getting some serious revs on the ball! What do you think?

Finally! The Commish has returned to baseball! (My apologies to The Rock for stealing his tag line there) Would you believe that a manager has been fired who was also a catcher! Break up the Catcher Conspiracy! The Toronto Blue Jays are obviously not with the program here as they have fired their skipper, and former big league catcher, Buck Martinez. Buck's been replaced by Carlos Tosca, who sounds more like he should one of the Three Tenors than a major league manager. You see, Carlos has plenty of managerial experience in the minors and he was once Buck Showalter's bench coach in Arizona, however, Tosca has never played ball at the major league level! I'm not sure I believe that? I've got to go pull out The Baseball Encyclopedia and look that up. I'm sure Carlos must've caught a few games along the way somewhere…

My condolences to any owners out there who drafted one of the three third base "phenoms" as Morgan Ensberg and Hank Blalock have been sent to the minors and Sean Burroughs is wallowing on the disabled list with some nagging, non-octopus related injury… Just hope things work out for everyone and you're not forced to go deep into the season with your roster full of third basemen like Enrique Wilson, Mike Lamb and Jared Sandberg. I think I'd rather be forced to watch a Bosnia-Herzegovina versus Cameroon soccer game at 2:30 in the morning…

Can you hear me now? Good… Sorry guys, that a New Jersey commercial for Verizon Wireless' cell phone service if you didn't know. And speaking of New Jersey how about that forest fire that's been burning down in the Pine Barrens for the past two days? Anyone seen Smokey The Bear on the Garden State Parkway? Only he can prevent forest fires. And I sure hope that Christopher, Paulie Walnuts and that Russian guy got out of the woods before the fire started. After all, it's been so damn long since we've seen a new episode of the Sopranos that I forgot where we left all the characters! Well that's about all I've got time for this week. I'm off to begin my investigation on the allegations of out of control steroid use by some of our league owners! I'll have all the slanderous details in next week's column…